Making Friends at Back-to-School

It’s almost time for Evelyn to start kindergarten. I know she loves her school, and pre-k seemed like such a success. She loved music and art. She loved playing with Play-Doh and painting pictures. She could have lived in the school library. But today, not for the first time, she expressed some apprehension about her first day of the new school year.

“I like my best friends,” she told me. “But they don’t talk to me.”

In addition to her genetic diagnosis, Evelyn has a neurological disorder called apraxia of speech; it’s hard for her brain to communicate with her mouth to form the right sounds and speak typically. At nearly six years old, she is very aware that she speaks differently than other kids. And this is the sixth time she has told me that her friends don’t talk to her.

Evelyn is in a mainstream classroom with her typically-developing peers. She notices that most of her classmates can easily understand one another and that they don’t understand her. She has a friend or two who plays next to her sometimes, but most of the kids are too busy to take the time to learn how to communicate with her.

It’s understandable, really. They’re small children, and children are naturally self-centered in a way that is totally normal. They are busy learning about themselves and their world, and people who are different don’t fit into the tidy schemas they are developing in their minds. In fact, I would say that being inclusive at a young age is very atypical.

But parents and caregivers can do so much to teach their children to include others. It’s a gift for kids like Evelyn to be included, for sure. But teaching your child to be inclusive is first and foremost a gift to your own child. You are teaching them about community, differences, and patience. You’re also teaching them skills of improvisation, strategy, cause-and-effect, and empathy that will carry over into all of their relationships throughout life.

I put together a very small list of ways to teach your children how to be inclusive and welcoming to others with differences this school year:

1. Practice what you preach. You can tell your child to “talk to the kid who has no friends,” and you should. But modeling that behavior in your own life is a much more concrete way to communicate that you value including others. Make sure your child sees you offering directions to someone who is lost, giving your number to a new parent at school, or offering to help when someone is in need in whatever concrete way you can. Then talk to your child about why you did it.
2. Talk about differences. I know this goes against everything most of us were taught, especially Millenials and Gen-Xers. We were told to shush if we noticed differences and taught that it was impolite to ask questions. But it turns out that those practices make it seem like being different is shameful or wrong. Instead, teach your child that it’s OK to ask questions and talk about differences. It’s OK to notice that a child in class uses a wheelchair or needs an adult helper throughout the day.
3. Think broadly about inclusivity. Sometimes children exclude others just because they are different. So talk to your child about all types of differences and make sure everyone has a seat at the table, regardless of whether they might have physical or mental differences, a different language or culture, or any other type of difference from your child.
4. Role-play with your child. Practice scenarios your child might encounter. If your child is shy or prone to say insensitive things, this might be especially helpful. Help your child practice asking someone to sit with them at lunch or play together on the playground. Help them figure out what to do or say if their new playmate is hard to understand or behaves in atypical ways.
5. Think about other ways to communicate. If a classmate is nonverbal or has a communication difference, your child can still come alongside and make friends. The best strategies depend on the situation, of course. For example, in Evelyn’s case, instead of saying, “What do you want to play?” it can be helpful to say “Show me how you want to play.”
6. Ask your child to include someone each day. At the start of the year, get a list of your child’s classmates and challenge your child to spend time with someone new each day. They might try talking to them throughout the day, playing together, sitting together at lunch, etc. One strategy that works great for older kids is to ask them to learn something new about a child every day and report back to you about what they learned. (You can really reinforce this lesson if you make a deal with your child to do the same in your own life!)
7. If in doubt, ask. Still not sure the best way to include a child with differences in your child’s life? Reach out to their family. Ask the child. Ask their parents. You can say, “I’d love for my child to spend some time with yours. What do you think would be the best way for them to play together?” or “What is the best way for my child to communicate with yours?”

The first few days of a new school year can be stressful for any child. For kids with differences or disabilities, the stress can be enormous. Your child and mine can be friends… and that will make them both feel better.