I love to watch Evelyn paint. She swirls every color together deliberately with her brush, then painstakingly lays each brushstroke on the canvas. She doesn’t get frustrated. She is perfectly happy with whatever colors are available. She also doesn’t make mistakes, because to her, every bit of color on the canvas is supposed to be there.

Evelyn Paints, 24 March 2018

Lately I’ve been feeling like our lives are spiraling beyond my control. I find myself wanting to plan, organize, check off all the boxes, make sure everything is just so and everything happens on the right timetable. I’ve been wanting to control the uncontrollable.

That’s all code for I’ve been wishing our lives were not our lives at all. 

I like control. I like planning. Uncertainty has always been difficult for me.

Uncertainty about my child’s future is another thing entirely. I feel so helpless. Having no plan and no clear path to help goes against every instinct and desire in my parent-soul.

Truly, life is Evelyn’s canvas now. She is laying the brushstrokes, and the rest of us can only stand back and watch. The result is maybe not what we would have painted ourselves, but its a masterpiece of its own. I’m learning to appreciate the beauty and let go of control.

Her Final Masterpiece